Harry Potter And A Stone
by Aeela
Summary: AU: Harry Potter wasn't normal, thank you very much. And neither is this story. Be prepared for much crack and senseless conversation while Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, discovers that the Dark Lord threw a stone at him that fateful Halloween night.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** This is a homage for coldmirrow who is a famous German Youtuber and known for her hilarious synchronisation of the Harry Potter movies. I decided to write it down, so that all the people who have some problems with the language can enjoy her genius, too.

This fanfiction could perhaps include characters from Harry Potter from J. K. Rowling and likely as not maybe proceed similar to the movie from Warner Bros. The contained direct speech was imitated in a mocking, funny-grotesque manner if not being changed completely.

The direct speech is directly translated from her videos but everything else is from me.

 **Warning:** This story will contain name-calling, swearing, prejudice, homosexual relationships (nothing described, only talked about) and I want to point out that the thoughts and opinions in this story are not my own but purely fiction! I'm an open person and have absolutely no problem with lesbians or gay people.

This story will have a plot but rational thoughts are beyond saving. The relation to reality is lost on this fanfiction and don't even try to find one. The characters will all act stupid and many conversations are completely off-topic. This is a crackfick, so if you're expecting some really awesome theory about magic or a well-elaborated plot this is not the right fanfiction for you! But if you want to read some pretty funny stuff with the most unrealistic statements than this is your destiny! Fate always had a weak point for Harry after all, so why not for HP-fans, too? Much fun!

 **Chapter One**

„Hey. Jo. Hey jo."

Dumbledore walked through the park in the direction of Privet Drive Number 4.

"Heey. Jo I am Fresh Dumbledore, back from the underground, back for more. I rap here, I rap there, I rap a hundred times better than the Dark Lord. Jo… motherfucker… ehhh."

He continued on his way, thinking about his successful career as the famous rapper he was as Minerva McGonagall appeared in front of him, her shadow transforming from that of a cat to that of a strict rather old lady.

"Good evening, Professor Dumbledore."

She walked alongside him.

"And, where is the child now?" she asked, lisping a bit.

"Hagrid is fetching it right now."

"Hagrid?" She looked at him incredulously. "Isn't that this hideous, hairy fellow?"

PROFESSOR Dumbledore looked at her shocked. "You've forgotten to mention _fat,_ " he stated exasperated.

She chuckled lightly as loud rap music (one of his own creation as Dumbledore noticed quite pleased) disrupted the sweet silence of the night and a dazzling light hurt their eyes. Well, only McGonagall's eyes since Dumbledore had the required precautions on his glasses (he was a wizard, why should he wear glasses if not for an advantage?), long used to Hagrid's uncommon habits.

A loud screeching noise tore at their eardrums as the motorbike made contact with the street, predominating even the sad attempts of rapping from Dumbledore and the constant groaning of Hagrid.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!" the big man exclaimed really intelligent.

McGonagall deemed it important to notify Dumbledore of her 'first impression'.

"What an idiot."

 _The man hadn't all his marbles. Obviously!_

Clearly, her thoughts were about Dumbledore, as he was the one responsible for hiring this, this _gross man_ for such a crucial mission. Solely the thought of it! Harry Potter, rescued by a _man_ who was an abnormality himself.

"Ouch, that really hurt a lot." The 'Gross Man' said after he dismounted from the motorbike.

"Here," with that he gave a little bunch covered in blankets to the two Professors who grabbed simultaneously for the small boy.

"Oh Merlin, is that child ugly."

McGonagall tapped herself commendatory on the shoulder. She was rather proud of her observations this evening.

Dumbledore on the other hand wasn't impressed. _Stating the obvious now, isn't she?_ he thought.

"Yes, nearly as ugly as Hagrid," he decided to say instead, never minding that mentioned Gross Man stood directly behind them listening to their every word. But lucky him. Hagrid not even succeeded in catching the jibe.

Or that was to be speculated, because it was not really clear if the tears running down his cheeks were caused by said insult or the incident from before as he hurt himself by arriving on the motorbike. But whatever the reason, Hagrid should be used to verbal slander directed at his… _person_ by now _._

Dumbledore simply ignored him and proceeded further by subscribing his following actions, in a way degrading the Gross Man even more as he dealt with him as if he had the mind capability of a four years old.

"Good, now we are laying him down on the doorstep and after that we will press the doorbell and then we will run away very quickly."

Albus chuckled delighted. It was a master plan. As were all his plans, sincerely. He was a great man. He would never delusion himself.

IT WAS A MASTER PLAN!

 **AN:** Alright, really short chapter but this was originally meant to be something like a prelude where I'd try and see where my writing took me and to see if I stood a chance. So care to share what you think? If not don't worry getting no reviews is not going to destroy my self-esteem XD But if you have to say something I won't stay in your way. Yeah, much words without much content... Thank you for reading the very beginning of my first fanfiction and I can give you my word that this will be a completely pointless story. The only purpose it solves is to dispel your boredom and nothing is better than crackfics with unpredictable conversation topics for this quest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Harry lay on his small bed located in the cupboard under the stairs and enjoyed the seldom lonely moments without his abnormally _normal_ family.

He preferred to refer to them as relatives to be honest. They bothered him constantly. Really, it was embarrassing! He tried with all his wits to avoid being seen with them and they made it all impossible.

They were around him every minute when he was allowed in public. So to speak, when he wasn't gardening or cooking or cleaning but out in school. Then, Dudley was never far away. His cousin was a real pain in the arse. He was sure it was due to his own good looks. Dudley was jealous, that was it. His whale of a cousin wanted to beat him up because he envied him - _Harry -_ for catching the better genes.

That shouldn't surprise him. One look at his parents was enough to come to the conclusion that his poor cousin hadn't had much of a chance from the beginning.

Whatever, he himself wouldn't make much of a fuss about it but his cousin had made it to his personal goal in life to make Harry's miserable. And with this he succeeded outstandingly.

Like now, as he disturbed his relaxing mood by running down the stairs!

Thick clouds of dust were being released in the anyway not so fresh air by this atrocious behaviour. But the most irritating action was his loud, _insane laughter_ that sounded through the house. It made a shiver run down Harry's spine.

As if it wasn't enough, he stopped in the middle of the stairs to jump up and down releasing even more dust.

"Ahhh you sonofabitch! Take that! Eat sand! You've killed him! Wohoooo!"

He wondered if Dudley knew what he was talking about, cause Harry hadn't the foggiest. Except Dudley confused sand with dust, but the differences were too obvious, weren't they?

"Oh no," he grumbled resigned to his face as got up reluctantly.

After having opened the door to his cupboard he was confronted with the chubby face of his cousin who pushed him back on his hard bed. Harry hissed silently as his head collided rather forcefully with the wall.

"Go, go! Eat sand! Sonofabitch! I will kill you!"

Dudley ran past him into the living room, slapping the door shut while Harry rubbed his head.

"Oh you stupid, fat bastard," he muttered under his breath as he followed his cousin into the living room with the intention to slip unnoticed past his uncle into the kitchen. Easier said than done, that one. If his cousin was a whale than his uncle was a mountain. He topped chubby face even in ugliness.

To put it in words: His uncle needed a gun license for his face.

But for now he had to escape the wrath of his uncle. He wasn't a morning person, you see.

"Uiuiui, my little Duddykins. Come here," Aunt Petunia, the giraffe, pinched Dudley's cheeks affectionately. It looked rather painful from Harry's perspective. "It's your birthday! We have so many presents for you!"

Sad that Dudley had to be reminded of his own birthday. But Harry was thankful for the distraction as he could easily sneak into the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

Meanwhile, the giraffe clasped her hand in front of the whale's eyes and led him through the room until she stopped in front of a huge pile of presents, all the while heaping praises on her beloved son.

Then she removed her hands and stared expectantly at her _Duddykins,_ whose chubby face had turned a beautifully crimson red that clashed cruelly with the colour of his shirt. Harry moved away, having no interest in getting involved in the coming tantrum and being rather fond of his capability to hear the sounds around him, thank you very much.

"So, what do you think?" asked Petunia who couldn't restrain herself in the anticipation to receive much wanted gratitude from her beloved son for the presents and her need to please him on his special day.

"Aren't they super awesome?" Like he said, she really couldn't help herself.

Dudley turned around slowly and faced his father who sat on the table munching happily on his eggs and bacon while reading the newspaper, being completely in the dark about what kind of tantrum awaited him. The air reeked of danger. Harry searched for cover.

"I want the game Unreal Tournament!" The whale cried.

"We haven't got Unreal Tournament, I'm afraid," The mountain replied, still ignorant to his son's mood.

"Shut up, you sonofabitch!" Chubby face shouted.

Wait, his cousin knew that he had insulted himself with that, right? And why did he always have to scream?

"Err I'm sorry, but it wasn't available. I…" gun face tried to defend himself but was interrupted by the senseless screaming of his son who was running the imminent risk to explode at any moment considering his complexion. It wasn't healthy.

The giraffe – the most capable of overlooking the situation due to her unique features - decided that she had to intervene, smelling - like Harry - serious trouble should this go on.

"Listen, Duddykins, we may not have Unreal Tournament but we can visit the zoo and then we will buy you a hippo! What do you think, hmm?"

And with that it was decided. They would visit the zoo.

Harry sighed. Going out with his relatives. In public. People would see them. Or even worse, they would see him with them.

What could he have possibly done to be punished with them?

A rhetorical question of course.

 **AN:** And the craziness continues!

Dudley: Chubby face and the whale

Vernon: The mountain

Petunia: The giraffe

Until next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Remember:**

The Dursley's consisting of Vernon the mountain, Petunia the giraffe and their spross Dudley the whale.

*parseltongue*

 **Chapter Three**

The zoo was full of happy families, school classes, friends and lovers. A happy bunch of people. He and his relatives simply didn't fit into the picture, Harry decided.

But what could he do. Nothing. Yeah, he knew that. No reason to be pessimistic. It was not as if that was something new.

Dudley hadn't been too thrilled about the hippo. Harry had escaped, cheering that he had managed to dumb his horrid relatives and passed the time by observing their counterparts. But giraffes weren't very interesting, whale's he wasn't able to make out in dirty water - if it even was a whale that he'd spotted in there - and the mountains in the zoo were more likely hills.

Altogether, he was terribly disappointed.

That led him to examining the reptile house where he found the reason for his dreadful existence again. What a pity! But what where the odds of running into the whale in the reptile house? It wasn't their natural habitat as far as he knew.

Currently, the only thing separating his cousin from the snake in the compound was thick glass. They both stared at the boa constrictor.

It was huge.

Then Vernon joined them and knocked with his knuckles against the glass which produced a high - like _really_ high - knocking sound that was rather embarrassing for a mountain.

"Do something!" he ordered.

Why he expected a snake to follow his command was beyond Harry. The snake was clearly above him.

Dudley on the other hand took his father as a role model and quickly imitated the action by ramming his fists against the glass. At least the sound wasn't so high. And Vernon cringed slightly in fear of the glass actually breaking. Harry found it quite hilarious.

"Do something!" Dudley shouted. Very imaginative. The whale was even more outranked by the snake than the mountain. They both lacked in the intelligence department.

"Shut up," countered Harry in defence of the snake. And because the whale was annoying. As always.

"I don't need help. I don't need help," muttered chubby face to himself and left to torment other animals with his presence. The mountain and the giraffe left, too.

"Ey, I'm sorry," Harry was used to apologise on behalf on his relatives. They lacked something called common sense, too.

"You know, because that fat boy pressed his nose against the glass staring at you so boldly."

The snake lifted its head and stared at him. It stared at him boldly. Hey, he had just stated that that wasn't good behaviour. Did nobody ever listen to him?

Then it winked at him. Ahhh wait, his fault. It bloody WINKED at him! What the hell?!

*It's alright.* someone hissed.

The _snake_ hissed.

Because who could possibly hiss at him if not the snake?

He gaped at it. *Oh my god, you're able to talk!*

The snake nodded. *Yes, what of it?*

*But… snakes shouldn't be able to do that, should they?* Harry was lightly confused by now. Sure, the snake was the first of its species he came face to face with but the fact that they could talk would have reached him before all this, right? Surely, his teacher would have checked that they all know about it when they had dealt with snakes in class.

So it wasn't normal…

Perfect!

He loved everything that wasn't normal! Not normal meant not Dursleyrish. You could blame the rebellious teenager hidden deep inside of him.

*Of course they should!* The snake seemed to be offended by his lack of knowledge.

*Ah okay,* he agreed quickly. He knew enough to know that one was supposed to avoid an agitated snake. For his own well-being. *And how are you?* he tried to distract it. *I've never spoken with a snake before.*

She – Harry didn't know how he knew it but there was simply something female about her - turned her head and pointed at a sign on the wall. 'Bred in captivity', it stated.

*Dude, I don't know English,* he joked to lighten the mood just as the whale ran over to him, shouting all the while.

"What is that? Out of the way!"

The whale pushed Harry away - who fell to the ground - his eyes locked on the beautiful snake. Harry blinked the pain away and turned on his back. The scene in front of him showed an annoyed looking snake returning unafraid the stare of chubby face who hadn't just his nose but also his hands pressed against the glass this round. Still pissed, because the whale had dared to lay a hand on him again, Harry traded Dudley with his death glare.

It would be too good to be true if it would work. Only for himself, naturally.

What occurred subsequently wasn't the anticipated result of his death glare but something near in reaching the same outcome and satisfying his bloodlust *cough* errgh _revenge._

The glass disappeared and his cousin fell forward into the compound with the snake.

Harry silently rejoiced over the whale's misfortune.

That served him right. Chubby face really got on his nerves. Now, the only thing left was for the snake to finish him off. His first, fruitful, personal death glare! He should keep the snake. Cousin gone. Two relatives left to go.

Harry cackled darkly.

But unfortunately, he had cheered too soon. The snake didn't deign to look at his cousin and glided out of the compound instead.

Damn snake, thwarting all of his plans _._

The snake stopped to look at him and he froze. She couldn't read his thoughts too, right? He hadn't known of the talking part so it was only logical that he wouldn't know of such an important thing like mind reading either.

Okay, if he had been the snake, he also wouldn't have touched the whale, regardless what he may have received as payment it wouldn't compensate for the amount of bacteria one would catch.

He shuddered.

*Thank you very much.* With that the boa constrictor glided away, leaving one crying and one gaping boy behind while humming a soft tune to herself.

Harry made some mental notes:

Firstly, snakes can speak.

Secondly, snakes can read your mind.

And thirdly, snakes like humming.

Who knew when that knowledge would come in handy.

 **AN:** Any opinions? Have I made some grave mistakes? If yes then let me know! See ya.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** The only time I'm the proud owner of Harry Potter is at night when I'm dreaming.

 **Warnings:** dump people, bad language, Satan/Lucifer related comments, mentions of homosexuality and many prejudices.

Please note that the content of the fanfiction is purely fiction and does not represent the authors own opinion.

* * *

4\. Chapter Four

The next hours had been interesting.

You could say so, at least.

The snake had escaped and nibbled at some children on her way out of the zoo to examine the quality of the attendant prey before it decided against them in favour of a yummy looking bicycle.

Harry had endured being shouted at from the mountain – who knew that a mountain could be so loud? - and silently made an oath to practise his death glare more in his free time in his cupboard. Who knew what else he could possibly achieve?

But then the latest proceedings had demanded his attention, because his relatives dropped him at a highway rest area without a thing. He had neither his clothes, nor money to buy something to eat.

 _Well, shit!_ He thought. That could get rather uncomfortable.

The sunny side of the whole situation was that he was alone. No Petunia, no Vernon and no Dudley. Life had never been better in Harry's opinion. If he forgot some minor problems just one tiny moment he could fully enjoy this opportunity, before he couldn't ignore his other needs any longer. But until then he was content to sit here in his blissful oblivion.

Unfortunately, it didn't last long. A fat and hairy men – wait, could you even describe this _being_ as a man? – picked him up and went with him to London. When he asked for the reason the giant – a rather fitting description - looked utterly confused.

"For shopping of course."

Of course, shopping. Why hadn't he thought of that?

Wait, did you catch his sarcasm?

Add to the list that they stood in front of a shabby looking pub that didn't help to establish some desperate needed trust in him. Yes, okay, they were wizards and had another culture, but surely it couldn't be _that_ bad?

"So, we're going inside I would say."

Hagrid accomplished to open the door without destroying the handle and Harry followed him cautiously inside, inwardly prepared to jump out again at the tiniest sign of danger.

The only sign of danger was the air. It was as dusty and old as the air in his cupboard and _that_ meant something. Hagrid started coughing in a terrible manner. It also smelled not so nice. Or maybe he smelled just Hagrid, now that they were in a cramped place.

"Hey Hagrid, the usual?"

Harry sighted a man behind the counter of the bar and identified him successfully as the speaker. The man knew this ugly giant? Better stay away from him too then.

"Oh no, Tom," Hagrid shouted through the whole pub. "I have to go shopping today. With Harry Potter!"

The giant turned to him and laid one of his big hands on his shoulder. Harry prayed for dear life to every god he knew for someone to suddenly appear and rescue him. These hands were heavy and his knees begun to buckle under him. Please, anybody would do!

He prayed to Satan.

"Dude, Harry Potter," Tom detected ingeniously.

Whispers spread around the pub. Harry heard his jumping from mouth to mouth like a wildfire. He wondered what the cause was. Maybe praying to Lucifer hadn't been his best idea.

Hopefully, his reputation wasn't crushed because of the giant as his companion. That would be rather unfortunate.

And then it started. A real nightmare. Not that he had had any of this sort before, but he would bet all his money that he would have them in the future. All this people who tried to touch him and eyed him as if he was an animal in the zoo.

Note to self: Pray never again to Lucy!

"Harry Potter, I'm your biggest fan." A woman with a weird hat shook his hand.

The next needed a moment to form a sentence.

"Err, I've seen you in the radio." Okay, she could have saved the effort.

"Harry P-P-P-P-P… P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P…"

In front of him stood a creepy wizard dressed in something undefinable. The only thing he could safely say about it was that it was purple. Completely purple.

Maybe wizards suffered from a lack of brains cells?

Hmm when he thought about it:

Inability to form sentences with a correct content – check.

Inability two say a name – check.

Conclusion: Positive! They really lack in that area.

Maybe Hagrid wasn't so bad after all. He looked at the giant's hairy face seeking help – the giant was now definitely rated the lesser evil - as the Purple Man continued with his stuttering. 'Perhaps he'll choke to death?', Harry thought hopefully.

Wait, was he supposed to do something?

Hagrid mysteriously understood his questioning glance and proceeded to give him some information. Really, he swore to god – definitely not to Satan, sorry Lucy – he would never again question the giants' intelligence.

"Oh, that is Quirrel. He can't talk correctly."

Hagrid seemed quite happy about the others misfortune as he laughed openly.

Either it was lack of intelligence that his behaviour was impolite or he didn't care or he was a sadist. Harry didn't know, though. Better not to wrack his brain over it.

"Err yes, hello." He held out his hand for the Purple Man to shake it coming to the conclusion that that was what he wanted, because everyone else had wanted it too.

"Hmpf, eh, P, P-P-P, eh…"

Harry was at a loss at how he was supposed to deal with a man who couldn't talk to say what he wanted and further didn't want what everyone else wanted as he refrained from shaking his hand. Why wouldn't he touch him? How should he know what the Purple Man wanted? Especially if the damn man went on with this creepy sounds he emitted.

Was he only surrounded by idiots?

Hagrid decided at this moment to take over.

"So, I have to move on now. With my best friend _Harry Potter._ "

The giant puffed out his chest, clearly proud of the fact that he was friends with an eleven years old boy.

Hagrid had definitely some problems.

Delusions perhaps? Or an inferiority complex? Harry couldn't know. And it shouldn't be his problem or responsibility to begin with.

He was bloody eleven years old.

Hagrid had an umbrella.

And the umbrella opened some magical wall so that they could reach Diagon Alley. The giant was ostensibly in a good mood.

Harry, too.

He would get new things. Who would protest?

"And now, Harry, we'll go shopping!"

A silly smile spread over his face. Yeah, shopping…

* * *

After a while they had gotten most of the things from the list. Harry checked it again. Just one item left, a wand. That would be interesting. He approached Hagrid who carried all his bags for him and hid his smirk at the sight.

"Where do I get a wand?"

"Ah, err there, you see? By Olivander."

Another shabby looking shop.

Joy.

A short happy tune sounded through the shop to announce the new customer. Dust flew through the air and the room was just dimly lit, throwing shadows on its long shelves full of boxes. Harry was glad that Hagrid wasn't with him. Nevertheless, he would have had the image of the bull in a china shop burned-in in his mind for eternity.

"Hello," he greeted the vacant room unmotivated. Where the hell was the owner? Pun unintended, he added as afterthought in case Lucy listened in.

Silence.

"Hello?" Honestly, this shop gave him the creeps. Time to scrape up some courage.

"Hello? I want to buy a wand."

He heard a sound and shot around to be presented with the furrowed face of an old man with white hair. The man appeared to be amused.

"Obviously, since you can't purchase anything else here." Oldie smirked.

Harry was dumbfounded. A wizard able to use his brain cells.

Wonders never ceased to exist.

The wizard stared at him intently, all the while muttering to himself. Harry shifted uncomfortable.

What the hell was going on? Then the wizard vanished behind a shelf without a word and he was alone again. Not for long.

"Here, Mr Potter. Just take it and give it a try."

Firstly, how the hell – Lucy should better restrain himself from getting a too big head - did the man know his name? Although, the visitors in the pub had known him as well so perhaps he shouldn't question it.

Secondly, what was he supposed to do? Could someone please just come along and give him an instruction booklet? Something like "How to navigate through magical encounters without losing your intelligence." THAT would be great.

Thirdly… forget it, there was no third.

He closed his hand around the wand and a warm feeling swept through his bones until his whole body felt accepted and connected to this straight, small stick in his hand.

Weird.

"Dude, I take it. I _want_ it. How much?"

"Hmm, pay attention scarhead, I make you an offer. Seven galleons and it is yours. And you'll get an added wand-sock in green or pink for free! You can put your wand in there, so that it doesn't get scratches and it stays comfortable warm."

Harry was sceptical.

"Who needs a warm wand?" Another wizard custom?

"Ohhhh," Olivander exclaimed with a creepy glint in his eyes, "these people are called faggots. I thought you were one."

Oh hell!

* * *

AN: Hey guys! Care to let me know how you find it? I really hope you enjoyed this chapter. Lucy sort of got a guest appearance, but I can't help it as SPN fan.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:** I'm so sorry for the late update but school is really time consuming right now and I'm constantly studying for my exams...

It's short, but the next chapter will come soon I promise!

* * *

5\. Chapter Five

Harry had made the decision to dig deeper into his own past.

And Hagrid was the victim of his interrogation. They had returned to the pub from earlier that day. It was called The Leaky Cauldron.

Since Hagrid had not made a single attempt to ask him why he had found Harry at a highway rest area he happily overlooked it, too.

Why should he touch a topic they both obviously didn't want to talk about? No, he preferred to discuss a topic that at least hold his _own_ interest. Even if it was the case that Hagrid wasn't all too happy about that one, too.

"Hagrid, you've known me since I was a baby," he paused for the dramatic effect, "and I must ask this now."

He looked into the giants eyes.

"Do you know where I got the scar on my forehead?"

Hagrid avoided his searching gaze and looked clearly uncomfortable.

Bingo! Hagrid definitely knew something. Time to find out what exactly. Harry repressed a cackle.

"Hmmm."

It seemed as if Hagrid had lost the few brain cells he had gained during their shopping trip again. Pity. That didn't irritate Harry from digging around.

"And what happened to my parents in the first place?" he probed deeper.

Hagrid gave in. Success!

"Ah…"

Hagrid let out a long suffering sigh that went along with the dropping of his huge shoulders.

"Pay attention," he admonished Harry in a grave voice, "It occurred like this."

The giant shifted into a more comfortable position. Should Harry prepare for a long story? Hopefully not.

"You have certainly heard of Voldemort before, right?"

Harry simply stared at him.

"That he supposedly killed your parents and gave you that scar as he cursed you." Hagrid continued unfazed and pointed at the lightning shaped scar on Harry's forehead. Then the big man took a deep breath and mumbled the next words as fast as possible.

"Thatpartaboutthecurseisalie. Inrealityhethrewastoneatyou."

Silence. Utter silence.

"Why has he thrown a stone at me?" Really, where was the logic behind all this?

"No idea," Hagrid exclaimed at his wits end. "'Cause he doesn't like you."

Harry stayed silent.

"At any rate, it's true that your parents died in a car crash."

"Whaaat?" Skip the silent part.

"Calm down and order a drink." Harry absent-mindedly followed the order.

That action represented his current state painfully clear. The point where he happened to accepted advice coming from Hagrid it wasn't far until he might actually throw a stone back at Voldemort!

"You see, your parents threw a big party that night."

"Whaaaat?" Shit, not even a whole day and his intellect was already suffering. Was he ready to sacrifice his brain cells in exchange for magic?

Hell, yes!

"Yes, they had a night on the tiles. They drunk quite a lot and drove home with their car afterwards. They collided frontal with a tree. I've never seen so much wood flying through the air. Blood splattered all around. It was really nasty."

Okay, he would deal with the images his mind had conjured up later. Maybe the day after next year, that sounded like a good idea.

Make it ten.

"And what about that guy, Voldemort?" Better to paint the whole picture.

"Hmm, some say he is dead. Others are convinced that he lurks somewhere deep in the shadows, always watching… to throw with stones again," the giant told him with a hoarse voice.

Hagrid seemed to be deep in thought then. If that stadium was even possible.

"You know what, Harry? You better don't tell anyone that your scar is caused by a stone and not by a curse."

The giant gave him a pointed look. "Because _that_ is truly embarrassing."

Okay, point for the giant.

A stone simply hadn't the same impact as a dark curse.

* * *

 **AN:** A huge thank you to the people who followed this story! As this is the first fanfiction that I actually publish know that every reader is a great motivation for me to continue this.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** No matter how often I write the wish on my wish list, Harry Potter will never be mine.

* * *

6\. Chapter Six

Harry arrived punctual at Kings Cross just to be confronted with the next problem.

"Platform 9 ¾? That is so illogical." He shouldn't have expected anything different. They were wizards after all.

"It has to be a misprint," he said bemused, or rather, hoping against all odds.

An announcement interrupted his thoughts.

"The train from platform 9 ¾ leaves in ten minutes. The destination is Hogwarts."

How was it possible that he had never before noticed the Wizarding World? It practically proclaimed its existence directly into his face. It was a wonder that they hadn't been detected by now.

"Watch out! On platform 9 is a blackamoor on a killing spree", was the next announcement.

Harry froze. He was on platform 9. Holy shit. He should better hurry. No need to die before he even boarded the train. Determined he approached an officer.

"Excuse me! Where is platform 9 ¾?"

Harry looked hopeful at the officer, waiting anxiously for a reply so that he could make an escape before the panic took over. How could the officer keep his calm with a blackamoor on a killing spree running around?

"Platform 9 ¾? As if I would tell you, conceited ape!"

Not so calm now, eh, Harry thought smug. If that was all non-wizards were willing to do for him, Harry was more than happy to leave this from prejudice ruled world behind. Wizards may lack in logical thinking but at least they weren't outright rude.

The officer turned away and Harry got a look at a family full of redheads. And even better, most of them carried a trunk like him! Perhaps he would find the right platform after all.

Harry followed them.

He had never seen so many red heads in his life. Okay, maybe that argument wasn't that strong coming from him with his previous life. He may have never seen so many people at all, just some kids at school as privileges like watching TV were out of his reach. But! This was definitely a huge bunch of redheads.

Leading the way was a round, busy woman with a little girl at her hand. A red head too, what did you expect?

"Over here! Come, follow me." She threw her free hand through the air and motioned for the tallest of the boys to walk past her.

"Percy, you're first." And then the idiot ran head forward into a wall. No, through a wall.

THROUGH A WALL?

Why didn't they move the bricks like with the entrance to Diagon Alley?

This. Was. Weird.

Harry wondered if he had to know some super special trick to pass. He himself knew of none he could use to walk through stone.

"Fred. George. You're next."

The two identical looking red heads stared accusingly at their mother.

"We aren't Fred and George", said the one on the right.

"Right, we are Tintin and Snowy now", exclaimed his twin.

Harry decided then and there that he liked them.

"Seriously? The names are bonkers. Now leave already", the mother reprimanded them.

Grumping the twins stormed past the fierce woman before shouting back at her.

"Only a joke. We are Thorsten and Thorben."

And laughing heavily they vanished through the wall just like this Percy fellow before.

Harry decided that it was his cue to make an appearance. Better now before the woman became too agitated. There were still some kids left. He had the feeling that he wanted to avoid the woman's wrath at all costs and his gut instincts had yet to fail.

"Excuse me, please."

He pushed his carriage with the big trunk next to the one of the remaining red head. The guy looked his age.

"Err, I want also to platform 9 ¾… so I want through this."

Harry waved at the solid brick wall with his hand.

"Oh, you want to run against the wall, too?"

Hey, that was his joke! Still, he bopped his head up and down in approval.

Let the show begin: He was a normal, stupid wizard. Harry, just Harry.

"Nope, I want through it."

"Ron is going to ran against the wall the first time today, too. He is the smiley-face over there."

Ron the smiley-face obviously earned that name as he was grinning stupidly at him.

Okay Harry, act natural. You're a normal simple-minded wizard.

He grinned back at smiley-face just as stupidly.

"All right. It's easier as you think. You just ran towards the wall and then you are already through it."

Wow, there went his speculation about a super special trick.

"Don't worry. You'll manage."

Harry comprehended her words absentmindedly, his whole attention on the little red headed girl that stood next to her mother. She hadn't stopped staring at him since his entrance.

He was feeling slightly like his relatives. But hey! _He_ wasn't an animal at the zoo she could ogle. It was creepy!

Help, she opened her mouth!

"I have a vagina."

Harry was through the wall faster than a lightning bolt.

What a brave, strong boy, thought the red headed woman on the other side as she watched the scrawny kid hasten through the barrier.

In her mind she padded herself on the back for her brilliant coaching. She had a talent for kids, knew how to handle them, you could say. Nothing was better than a light joke and some instructions mixed with reassuring words and the child would flourish.

She had done well.


	7. Chapter 7

7\. Chapter Seven

Staring one last time at the firm wall behind him in wonder Harry vacated the spot for the next arriving passenger. Better prevent a collusion.

 _Oh, a train_ were his ingenious thoughts the moment he noticed the red steam locomotive. Right after that he spotted the sign reading _Hogwarts Express Platform 9 ¾._

Finally!

And moreover, he hadn't been killed in the killing spree on platform 9.

Success!

So far, Harry had enjoyed the train ride, what could eventually be related to having a compartment all to himself. And because they had left King's Cross just mere seconds ago _._

Be it as it was, he was content with sitting on his comfy seat and taking in the past flying view.

Then the door slammed open and disrupted the sweet silence of his personal little heaven. Grrr.

It was smiley-face.

"Hello. I'm Ron." He seemed a bit lost. "Do you want to be my friend?"

"Of course, come inside." Harry motioned with his hand to the seat in front of him and smiley-face fell down on it with a sigh.

"I'm Ron. Do you want to be my friend?"

Smiley-face was as creepy as his little sister, Harry decided. Even more stupid than the typical wizard. Perhaps he had forgotten his brain at home. It wouldn't shock him if that was a possibility. It was the Wizarding World, after all.

"You just asked me that."

Smiley-face's eyes opened widely and a dumbfounded expression graced his features. It suited him pretty well.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a little stupid sometimes. I have a brain defect."

"Um, it doesn't matter." There, mystery unravelled.

The boy leant forward as if to share a secret and Harry could make out the plethora of freckles that covered his face.

"My parents are siblings" Freckles – Harry loved giving people nicknames in his head - looked around again to secure no one had overheard and leant back again, relieved. Harry had the feeling that they were bonding. Bonding time yeah! Time for him to spill a secret.

"Oh I've got a stone thrown at my head" he confided in his new friend with a big grin. If that wasn't enough for bonding time than he was at dead ends.

"Boah, how embarrassing!" The other grunted with wide eyes.

"Yeah" What could he say? That villains in this world were unable to fulfil their job assignment? Not even his cousin would be dump enough to throw a stone at someone he wanted to kill. And a brain defect due to incest was no less embarrassing!

Thankfully, they were interrupted before an uncomfortable silence could settle in their compartment as a trolley with a huge display of sweets appeared. And a lady. A creepy old lady with short curly grey hair. She peered inside their compartment and fixed her gaze on Harry. She had horrific red cheeks. Looked like a painted face. He repressed a shudder.

"Hello children, do you want some sweets?" Her voice dropped until it was so deep that her vocal chords were so troubled it sounded hoarse. Harry's shudder returned forcefully.

Smiley-face, oblivious as ever – but who was he to judge that kid when he himself had a perfect functioning brain – looked at the creepy lady and showed her the bag he had in his hands.

"No, I still have crumbs." He looked pointedly at the bag of now identified crumbs to support his statement. "From biscuits my mom baked for me last year." Smiley-face then added as an afterthought.

"Err" was everything Harry managed as reaction. Bloody hell. Was there a handbook for situations like this? Something like "How to handle awkward situations" or "What you should keep in mind while dealing with stupid people". That would be awesome and gratefully accepted.

In the end, he threw a forced smile in Freckles direction.

Was it working? Pity he couldn't read his mind to be absolutely sure he handled this right. But, on careful deliberation, it was probably for the best. Who knew what he would find there. Uh, it was better to stay away from this thoughts. They were as sure nightmare material as it was certain that Queen had fabricated the most amazing hit of the year. It was his personal mantra: "The show must go on". Oh shit, now he had the song stuck in his head. Back on topic. Problem: Awkward silence, because of Freckles mom. Solution: Change topic.

Huh, that sounded easy. He grinned. At least _his_ brain was awesome.

"Yes, now a completely unrelated topic – I just have to show off briefly –look here, how rich I am!" He put out his hand that had previously searched in his pockets for the galleons he had spare from his shopping trip with Hagrid. The golden coins shined nicely on his presented hand and played their part as distraction like a professional.

"WOW" was all Smiley-faces brain could come up with as reaction. Hopefully, it was enough to keep him busy for a while. Considering the open hanging mouth, the widened eyes and the unflinching gaze which was firmly locked on his galleons, he doubted they would encounter more problems.

It was confirmed now.

His brain was awesome.

"Jup, but I'm not going to buy a thing", Harry exclaimed smirking at the creepy lady, which eyes were like Smiley-faces staring at the coins in his hand. At his comment they flickered to his face, taking in his gleaming eyes and - looking away – she carried on with her trolley while trying to act nonchalantly about the money that slipped through her fingers right in front of her nose.

Take that, creepy bitch. He was Harry-Bloody-Potter, awesomeness in person! Revenge was sweeter than all the sweets on her trolley combined. The ones who wanted to challenge him should better watch out before he came and destroyed them. Nothing and nobody stood a chance to defeat him.

Because HE WAS AWESOME.

* * *

AN: Sorry for the delay! Christmas hols and all. But I hope this chapter cheered you up a bit:D


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